Growing up, we were taught to always say our “thank yous.” The act of telling another person that I am thankful for something they have done or given me was never hard and often came naturally. I do my best to thank God everyday for the gifts he gives me- my family, my home, my health. The list could go on.
But living out gratitude daily is harder when life doesn’t look the way you thought it would. When you have to keep living even though you feel like something is missing. Even though I know in my head that I am blessed, it can be difficult to stop asking this question: Why? Why us? Why me? I am incredibly thankful for the life I have with my husband and baby boy, but why couldn’t things have gone a little differently?
We had a miscarriage with our second pregnancy, our second baby. We were so excited to grow our family and to watch our son be a big brother. We welcomed the dreams for the coming year and imagined I’d have a baby bump throughout it all.
Instead, my belly never really got to grow. Some days I feel empty. I feel like there should be someone else here. I feel like I am incomplete. I know it’s normal to feel a hole inside my heart after a tragedy like this. But alongside this feeling of emptiness is a feeling of guilt. Because as much as I am thankful for the life I have, I am still grieving the future that would have been.
How can I be sad when God was gracious enough to give us a healthy baby the very first time? Why can’t I just be thankful for what I already have? Is it okay to grieve even though I already have a baby to care for? These are the questions I can’t help asking.
God has shown me through this season that yes, I can grieve. Our baby died. I experienced death inside of my own body. I deserve to grieve that trauma. But he has also shown me that he is a good God who has blessed me with much.
Through this trial, God has reminded me to embrace gratitude during the heartbreak.
Yes, there will be days when I feel sad or angry because of what happened. Grief comes in waves. And I think God understands our breaking hearts. He watched his only son sacrifice himself for our sins. The ache of a parent’s heart when their child dies is all too familiar to him. What a comfort that can be to us. Yet, just as grief can be present, so can gratefulness. I can rejoice in the blessings that God has given us even in this challenging season. Two emotions as intense as these can exist together. Even as I grieve our loss, I am honored to watch our oldest grow and continue to meet sweet milestones – his first steps, his first words.
I know this is not always the case for those who go through miscarriage. Some don’t have a little one to hold tight when the pain of loss surfaces. But Mama, if that’s you right now, I hope you know that God sees you and He understands. Your grief is not unfamiliar to him. He wants more than anything to be your strength and comfort. I pray that you find hope and gratefulness even in your suffering.
Sometimes it’s hard to be thankful for what we have in the present when we are grieving the future we could have had. But God is bigger than our doubts, and He is sovereign over everything in our lives. That’s why we can trust that He, and his plan, is always good. That’s why we can live in gratitude during our heartbreak.
